I will miss watching India, not the star treatment OR the story of a crazy sleepless night :)

28 Nov 2013

Last night was a nightmare... Back to my worst jetlagging days..
It all started with water pipe noise coming right from the wall above my bed. This noise has been there for ages but in a subtle form, last night it became a monster growling thru the night and drilling the imaginary yet felt so really! hole in my head.. I tried, i did. I swear! I tried all i could. I took a strong allergy tablet that i have been taking (i know not good, but lack of sleep is worse!) on and off for past month.. No help. I tried to use my stoppers, i tried calming music, the hole was getting bigger and the noise was worse... I could not take it any more: there is a state of mind when you are deprived of sleep (and also aware that this will mean missing out on the day and screwing up all your careful plans for this last few days!) when you feel as if your brain was a mashed potato and you would give a kingdom and more just for a second of sleep..They used to torture people by depriving them of sleep and yes it is proven to drive anyone crazy..i would give anything - Just for shutting down that noise: arrrgh and arrgh again in the pipes.
I called for help- so they know i was not being crazy.. The engineer and duty manager who came in around 6 am were surprisingly shocked that i have been putting up with water noise for so long, and the growls made them shocked too.. So i was not crazy! "My mother had me tested!" I could have quoted my screen hero Sheldon Cooper (from the tv series Big bang theory), but instead i begged them for help and they said they will see if they could do anything.. But we all knew they could not! This room should not have been given to anyone.. Let alone someone who professionally needs sleep! Because vocal chords are muscles i physically need sleep to be able to sing a few hours every day... Without sleep my voice gets week and as any other muscle can get damaged easily.. Imagine going on a marathon after a sleepless night- you are likely to trip & sprain an ankle.. Exactly! So i  begged for them to do something and continue trying to sleep.. But it was only getting worse.
I had no choice - by 7:25 i called the guest service and  begged to be put thru to the duty manager, whom i then begged to give me another room just for a few hours, just to sleep. A lovely lady dressed in hotel sari came in with a spare key. Nearly in tears - annoyed that i will lose another day, that in this week i not only got sick then had a food poisoning of the century and vomitted for 3 hours only 3 days ago and now this! I mean seriously?! - i asked her to sit on my bed and listen.. " tell me could you sleep with this? Please just listen so you know i am not crazy and asking for something extra thatcis not necessary.."  This time i was grateful for the pipe growl - it came even stronger and scarier and i could see genuine compassion in the eyes of the beautiful lady. She took me down the corridor and opened a door of a room so quiet that i though i would start kissing pillows, and after kissing them for some time, like a calmed baby, i fell sweetly asleep by 8am only to get up around 15:00...

But helas my day plans were screwed up.. Gone..


I had a cup of tea, checked my voice - normal "morńing" ritual.. Exept this time done at 4 pm...

With a face of a little sad angry beaver, i got dressed and took a tuk tuk to the pharmacy to get some serious sleep medication. Of course i am scared it will get me addicted and make matters worse but do i want to go thru the night like that again? And losing a day? HELL NO!!!


It took me only a second.. Walk out of the hotel and thru my scarf breathe the early evening dusty Delhi air... And get it again: how i miss just walking in India, being an alien and watching the world around.. Getting thru the queue in the shop, having some friendly stares but nothing too attacking, chosing a face wash and saying good evening to the shop keeper who already recognizes me..

That is what i will miss the most: just being here, watching India around me.

Not star treatment and being locked up like a princess

Not sleeping till 4 like a super star..

No... If i could, i would have walked out at 7 and got a chai and just sat at a corner to watch India around me.

This is what i will miss the most.

We are our choices - artist adventure continues despite its uncertainties..

Nov 27th 2013

Today while getting ready for another show - one of the very last ones during my Delhi adventure - I got an unexpected call from one of the recruitment agents. I must have been looking for some temp work back in London, as beginning if this year was very tough, and I left my business CV in one of the agencies. This time, however; they were calling not about some temping but about a permanent role...whether I would be interested. Agencies do not call a person unless they are sure that that person is good for the job, and would get an interview; otherwise it is just a waste of time and they make money, not wastet ime. After all they are only after money.. I know that because one of my first jobs when moving permanently to Britain was being a recruitment agent & making over 70 calls per day just to make the target. That is why I knew that he was serious and the job was there if i wanted it...

I did not even think of it - i just automatically said no thank you; part time yes or a contract but not full time office, thanks for your call blah blah blah. Gosh, I said at the beginning of 2013 that if nothing changes I may have to give up my dreams and go back to full time office work. It was a very tough beginning of the year, and such tough spring that yes i knew i had no choice but to pack my bags and accept this unexpected offer from far away India i swore i would "never ever ever go to".

Now I just simply said NO, and I am happy with what I so automatically did.

But let s be honest - i m scared... 


I dont want to be poor - yes i want to do what i love because i firmly believe being unhappy & 
wasting your life on what does not matter is the biggest sin of all, and so i tried at the very late age to    turn all around and become a professional artist.. I keep trying and it is damn super tough at times but still I dream to have one day my safe place one day and hopefully be a wife and a mom too, albeit a crazy energetic mom ;-) 

Yes I am scared.. But at the same time I know i am far from the maja i was at the beginning of this year, and so since i am new and different things must also be different. I hope  i have something little and humble but worth showing to the world..I will continue freelancing, even though I am fully  aware of how tough it can get in the artist world.. And I do remember that Van Gogh did not sell a single painting and  Eva Cassidy got famous only after she died of cancer alone in hospital.

It hit me once again what i just so automatically did : said NO, made a CHOICE i have to live with, 
and with its consequences... We are our choices, and i just made one... And i do very well remember me saying "maja you may have to give it all up if nothing changes.."  
    
But things changed - I am changed, and ready to give it one more year.. Albeit stronger and more realistic.. And hoping I will be proud of myself and make my friends who so graciously support me doing what i love proud too. 

One of them, knowing of what happened today, wrote to me : "Some people are so poor, they only have money! You are not poor". He also reminded me it is good to know I am in demand and so I have the back up if I ever needed to use it.

And after all with so much support and love and adventures, how could I ever  be poor? :)